Love Should not be Silent

In 1979 I took two classes thru a junior college in downtown Oakland, California.  The classes were “Creative Divorce” and “Living Divorced” based on the book by Mel Krantzler.  In the first class I met the best man at my future wedding, Patricia Speka, and the instructor who would perform my wedding in 1985 and that of my son, Colin in 2012, Rog Carrington.  In the second class which started on September 12, 1979 I met Nancy Lynn Larsen (Burnham).

Later that year I began dating Nancy, December 14, 1979,  and we became public as a couple by having lunch at work on Good Friday April 4 1980. We both worked at Blue Cross and while in different departments we did not really care to have our co-workers at Blue Cross know we were dating.

On March 24, 1980 Nancy told me that she loved me. I was speechless and could barely respond with “that’s nice, thank you”.  Despite being 31 years of age I had only heard those words from my Mother and my ex-wife.  Both, in different ways, had abused me with their actions because I had said “love” to them.  I felt love for Nancy, but, like an abused puppy, was fearful of expressing it and having it used against me.  Nancy’s comment and my torment, anxiety, fears lead me to seek weekly counseling from a licensed MFCC.

On August 5, 1980 I told Nancy that I loved her.  I don’t give all the credit to the intervening four months of counseling but to being slightly drunk from the party we were attending.  Wine can be a good therapy tool.  Nancy would tell me that the period of time between our mutual sayings of love was hard on her but that she felt that I loved her and I treated her as if I did.  She was patient and not pushing for affirmation in the meantime.

I don’t recall ever having told my Father or Brother that I loved them or ever hearing that from either and do recall trying to avoid saying that to my Mother.  I regret all of that.  I am very happy that I said it to Nancy and will say it again.  I love you Nancy Lynn!

Love should not be silent!

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My 18th Birthday

My 18th birthday

I spent my 18th birthday (September 8th) in army basic training. In the 6th week of basic training every recruit threw a live grenade and this day in 1966 was my turn to do so.

The procedure was that the recruit would squat in a shallow hole on a concert pallet and facing him would be his grenade buddy–the drill instructor. The step by step process would end with the two standing up, waiting three seconds (I didn’t wait) and the recruit tossing the grenade over a four foot concert wall and both ducking down. In the event the grenade was dropped or did not get over the wall the procedure was to kick or toss the grenade under the pallet where there was a hole for that purpose. Some yards back behind us there was a shielded platform where the officers and others could safety observe the actions.

This presented two problems (1) in practice with a weighted dummy grenade I could barely get it to go a few yards and (2) I am left handed and left handled soldiers hold the grenade in their left hand and held upside down with pin to be pulled from the bottom rather than the top. This was a scary combination to the drill instructors and perhaps to the recruit. We had heard tales of mishaps in previous training companies.

The company master (Top) sergeant, already a Vietnam veteran, and an old man in his mid-30s elected to be my grenade buddy. As he had a choice he clearly was a leader as he could have passed the assignment to another drill instructor. (They may have felt they had cause to fear me with a live grenade and none of them had been to Vietnam yet).

As we waiting our turn for the toss and going thru the steps I realized that the Top was nervous if not afraid and rightly so as we can all understand. It was the first time I had observed that behavior and it puzzled me given the “safe” training conditions and his combat experience. It also was a blessing to me as it calmed me down and made me realize for the first time in my life that I was not the only nervous or scared person. My toss went over the wall and I heard from others it did not go very far.

Basic training was hell (Degrees of Hell, blog 4/15/14 https://boydandnicholas.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/degrees-of-hell/ ) and was the preclude to Vietnam (My War Days, blog 7/29/14, https://boydandnicholas.wordpress.com/2014/07/29/my-war-days/)

I did not ever again toss a live grenade for which I and my fellow soldiers were forever grateful.

Try Everything

“Try Everything”

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I messed up tonight, I lost another fight
I still mess up but I’ll just start again
I keep falling down, I keep on hitting the ground
I always get up now to see what’s next

Birds don’t just fly, they fall down and get up
Nobody learns without getting it wrong

I won’t give up, no I won’t give in
‘Til I reach the end and then I’ll start again
No I won’t leave, I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail
I won’t give up, no I won’t give in
‘Til I reach the end and then I’ll start again
No, I won’t leave, I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try everything
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try everything
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try everything
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Look how far you’ve come, you filled your heart with love
Baby you’ve done enough, take a deep breath
Don’t beat yourself up, don’t need to run so fast
Sometimes we come last, but we did our best

I won’t give up, no I won’t give in
‘Til I reach the end and then I’ll start again
No I won’t leave, I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail
I won’t give up, no I won’t give in
‘Til I reach the end and then I’ll start again
No I won’t leave, I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail

I’ll keep on making those new mistakes
I’ll keep on making them every day
Those new mistakes

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try everything
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try everything
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try everything
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Try everything


 

Don’t Worry ‘Bout A Thing’

Ever been misunderstood, misused, or misled
Ever knocked on the sky
and had it fall on your head
well, don’t worry ’bout it, don’t worry
Ever lost your luggage, your marbles,
your house
Or found yourself in bed with Uncle Sam or Mickey Mouse
Ever been accused of murder on Music Row
Or caught in morning traffic when you
really gotta go – Oh no!
Life is funny, life’s a mess
Sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing
Don’t worry ’bout a thing, don’t worry ’bout it
Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don’t worry ’bout a thing

Ever sat yourself down when the
seat is all wet
Or see your “ex” sucking face with
a little brunette
Don’t worry ’bout it, no don’t worry
Ever lost your religion, ever lost your
best friend
Or found your last record in the bargain bin
Or been stuck in a divorce like crazy glue
Or scraped someone else’s gum off the
bottom of your shoe – Boo hoo!
Don’t worry, don’t worry

We all got a little junk in the trunk
And when you’re feelin’ good as sunk
Remember, everything will be just fine
If I laugh at yours then you’ll laugh at mine

Don’t worry, don’t worry

Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don’t worry ’bout a thing

I Wish you Enough

At an airport I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her plane’s departure and standing near the door, he said to his daughter, “I love you, I wish you enough.”

She said, “Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy.” They kissed good-bye and she left.

He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, “Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?” “Yes, I have,” I replied.

Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me. So I knew what this man was experiencing.

“Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?” I asked.

“I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, her next trip back will be for my funeral, ” he said.

“When you were saying good-bye I heard you say, ‘I wish you enough.’ May I ask what that means?”

He began to smile. “That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.” He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more.

“When we said ‘I wish you enough,’ we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with enough good things to sustain them,” he continued and then turning toward me he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish enough “Hello’s” to get you through the final “Good-bye.”

He then began to sob and walked away.

By Brighteyes  [ Original story by Bob Perks, in Chicken Soup For the Grieving Soul ]

When You Believe

“When You Believe”

Many nights we’ve prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts, a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there’s much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could, oh yes

There can be miracles when you believe
Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

Oh yeah, in this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I’m standing here
My heart so full I can’t explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I’ll say

They don’t always happen when you ask
And it’s easy to give in to your fears
But when you’re blinded by your pain
Can’t see the way, get through the rain
A small but still, resilient voice
Says hope is very near, oh

You will when you
You will when you believe
Just believe
I believe, I believe
Just believe
You will when you believe

 

Days Like This

When it’s not always raining there’ll be days like this
When there’s no one complaining there’ll be days like this
When everything falls into place like the flick of a switch
Well my mama told me there’ll be days like this

When you don’t need to worry there’ll be days like this
When no one’s in a hurry there’ll be days like this
When you don’t get betrayed by that old Judas kiss
Oh my mama told me there’ll be days like this

When you don’t need an answer there’ll be days like this
When you don’t meet a chancer there’ll be days like this
When all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they fit
Then I must remember there’ll be days like this

When everyone is up front and they’re not playing tricks
When you don’t have no freeloaders out to get their kicks
When it’s nobody’s business the way that you wanna live
I just have to remember there’ll be days like this

When no one steps on my dreams there’ll be days like this
When people understand what I mean there’ll be days like this
When you ring out the changes of how everything is
Well my mama told me there’ll be days like this

Oh my mama told me
There’ll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There’ll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There’ll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There’ll be days like this

 

Van Morrison

End of the Line

Traveling Wilburys

Well it’s all right, riding around in the breeze
Well it’s all right, if you live the life you please
Well it’s all right, doing the best you can
Well it’s all right, as long as you lend a hand

You can sit around and wait for the phone to ring (End of the Line)
Waiting for someone to tell you everything (End of the Line)
Sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring (End of the Line)
Maybe a diamond ring

Well it’s all right, even if they say you’re wrong
Well it’s all right, sometimes you gotta be strong
Well it’s all right, As long as you got somewhere to lay
Well it’s all right, everyday is Judgment Day

Maybe somewhere down the road aways (End of the Line)
You’ll think of me, wonder where I am these days (End of the Line)
Maybe somewhere down the road when somebody plays (End of the Line)
Purple haze

Well it’s all right, even when push comes to shove
Well it’s all right, if you got someone to love
Well it’s all right, everything’ll work out fine
Well it’s all right, we’re going to the end of the line

Don’t have to be ashamed of the car I drive (End of the Line)
I’m just glad to be here, happy to be alive (End of the Line)
It don’t matter if you’re by my side (End of the Line)
I’m satisfied

Well it’s all right, even if you’re old and gray
Well it’s all right, you still got something to say
Well it’s all right, remember to live and let live
Well it’s all right, the best you can do is forgive

Well it’s all right, riding around in the breeze
Well it’s all right, if you live the life you please
Well it’s all right, even if the sun don’t shine
Well it’s all right, we’re going to the end of the line

Mad World

https://youtu.be/4N3N1MlvVc4

 

“Mad World”

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world, mad world

Enlarging your world
Mad world

 

 

See You Again

See You Again

It’s been a long day without you, my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
We’ve come a long way from where we began
Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again

Why’d you have to leave so soon, yeah?
Why’d you have to go?

Why’d you have to leave me when I needed you the most?
‘Cause I don’t know really how to tell you without feeling much worse
I know you’re in a better place but it’s always gonna hurt

Carry on
Give me all the strength I need
To carry on

It’s been a long day without you, my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
We’ve come a long way from where we began
Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again
How do I breathe without you? I’m feeling so cold
I’ll be right here for you ’till the day you’re home

Carry on
Give me all the strength I need
To carry on

So let the light guide your way, yeah
Hold every memory as you go
And every road you take
Will always lead you home, home
It’s been a long day without you, my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
We’ve come a long way from where we began
Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again

When I see you again
When I see you again
See you again
When I see you again

https://youtu.be/2557s95z-Yw

for my brother Bernie Gregor, 7/15/1941 – 2/4/2017